The day I finally realise..

Yesterday sealed another milestone in my career..(nope, I haven't submitted the whole FY1 assessment which is due in 2 weeks time).

Yesterday make me realise why I become a doctor. Had to speak with relatives whose family is dying. Yes, breaking bad news. Not my first one, but it is a very memorable one. I feel very sad. The BBN went down very well; I think because my team have prepared the family for what might be the eventual event. I even prepared them about the legal issues about death certificate, coroner and funeral arrangement. The staff nurse is very kind indeed. She said,"You are a wonderful doctor". And her statement makes me want to wept.

Horrible isn't it? Doctor the demon. The hope crusher. But that is real life. My ward is very depressing at the moment because a lot of them come in with ailmentsss that we cannot cure. Symptomatic relief and supportive treatment, yes. But not cure.

Sometimes I have this sinister feeling that what we are doing is prolonging life that should have end a long time ago.

We are not God

I think one of the aspects that put people off medicine is the fact we are not the "curer". I would be so happy if I could find a cure for everything.

It is really difficult to get across to patients that we cannot simply cure everything with tablets. There are things in this world where we cannot cure at all. Supportive care, yes. But not cure. We don't have any magic wand. There is a more powerful force in this world.

Who could explain how someone could develops a second P.E and died in the space of 36 hours despite being on full treatment and recover from the first P.E.? God knows. To me, it taught me a good lesson - if it is your time to go, you will go no matter what. As a doctor, you do the best you can given the circumstances.

There is a lady under my care who just didn't get what I am trying to tell her. We just could not explain why her body has gone haywire and I don't think we have a cure for her liver. To me, to be able to live to her age with her congenital medical condition is a miracle in itself.

I remember an elderly lady who I saw during one of my oncall who survive resuscitation in the community. Her family was quite traumatized seeing the whole resus process that they decide should her heart stop beating or she stop breathing suddenly, we shouldn't resuscitate her again.

Live life.

Judging character (and liars)

When your ward is bombarded with incredible number of difficult and complicated patients, you learn to pick up the one who really sick and the one that making up symptoms. The sick one tend to be quiet. The not so sick one tends to demand the painkillers and all sorts of crazy requests to either the nurses or doctors.

9 months after I started working, I have never met any proper recovering alcoholics.

I find chronic back pain patients are the most difficult to dealt with, especially the one I am suspecting pretend to have paraplegia ( at least the MRI has excluded spinal cord compression). Morphine dependance. Enuff said.