Lotus - surviving life & remaining pure to urself

Monday, February 28, 2005

Commuting Hell

Today my usual 55 mins - 60 mins journey (bus + train + tube) from Essex to WestEnd is severely disrupted; took me bloody 2 hours 30 mins. I was so angry that when I finally get to the Metropolitan Line, I literally "hempas" my bag on the seat. Anyway, it's not the first time I have been in commuting hell.

The train commonly runs once every 10 mins; not today, some bloody signal failure repair whatsoever took place so the train ends up run one every whatever time they decide. When I arrived at the train station, the train ran one hourly. Bloody ridiculous! So I decide to take the bus which require me changing twice, before taking the tube at Aldgate. The traffic jam is bad. The whole high street was jam-packed with cars. I was getting inpatient. Arrived at the tube station, when the station manager announced there will some delay for reasons I don't care.HAHAHAHA.

Long live commuters!

Can't believe I have done this commuting thingy for 5 years. I think my patience is running out.

Sunday, February 27, 2005

Baby and Rock gig

What a contrasting day I have today.

Afternoon - spend time with mothers and babies and toddlers and kiddos. Age range from 4 months to 11 years old.

Evening - went to a (I would classified as 18 SX for Malaysia level) rock gig at Institute of Contemporary Arts at The Mall, near Trafalgar Square. Watch Singaporean rock band Tiramisu played. Man wearing skirts & big ribbons & pearls, crotch hugging leotard and big gigantic Afro wigs. It's like disco plus clown rock jamboree. Excellent songs ( I couldn't believe that they still haven't got any album out). The frontman is so entertaining - very animated and nutty. Can feels his energy seeped into the audiences, literally. At the beginning he wore an army pants with plastic ball stuffed crotch, before stripping into his leotard. Too bad, tonight is their final performance. I am gonna keep my eyes opened for their next gig.

Saturday, February 26, 2005


Drawings and art projects displayed at Medical School art exhibition. Cheeky eh?
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Killer

I bloody hate being indecisive. Think I can go to raging screaming rampant mood swing.

Saturday, February 19, 2005

A little bit more on depression

Meet A today; she came down to the Londres.

Talk about depression. I was at loss of words when she said she doesn't really get it why people have depression. Lack of social network? I don't think I explained it properly to her. Mentions that we medics should know how to tackle it before it began.

Now when words start flowing....

Depression - a hideous nasty feeling. The feeling of sheer emptiness +/- loneliness that even when you are laughing with your friends, it echoes so loudly it makes you feel very hollow from within. It is an almost unreachable inside. You don't even know why it's there. Sometimes, you wish life is taken away so you no longer able to feel. It takes time for the feeling to go away.

Probably it is better if we (friends,family,health professionals) don't ask why, but how are you feeling? Trying to reach out is a million times harder than to offer help.

Friday, February 18, 2005

Farewell and friendship

Just come back from a farewell dinner.

The feeling that I am ready to let go London life is ever so strong. Ready to embrace new adventure and life. I don't think I have any regret. Many friends have gone, most have move on. It will be my turn next. Can't wait.

Talk about relationship with singletons friends. How different our views are. When you are single, you dream about finding Mr Right. Life is simple. Once you find your Prince Charming, you will then get married and have babies.

Many forget that marriage comes with many things. Life is not always cloud nine. There are lots of ups and downs; the tears may seemed more than up laughters. Nonetheless, its the togetherness between you and your spouse that makes life bearable. Sacrifice you made for each other.I remember Z says, marriage is the merge of two families. People of two different paths now take the same road. To have and to hold, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in joy and in sorrows, in sickness and in health. To love and cherish each other as long as we live.

It is not that I don't appreciate female friendships. I missed sorely all my college and high school friends. I appreciate the mutual understanding that although we meet each other very occasionally, the warmth of the friendship never goes.I was really terharu when Elly came to Newcastle bus station to meet me when my bus stopped there for 30 minutes.

Women, once they are married, the priority changes. The responsibility grows. This also applied when they have boyfriends, you see. I am sure many great girl friends out there know what it's like when their friends have boyfriends. The outings become less; and you need to find a new circle of social group. And be the emotional punch bag when they broke up. Not a very nice picture I painted there, isn't it? The message I want to relay here is be sensitive to your friends, and try not to hurt them.

Time of the month

Uhh, it is near the time of the month.

The prerequisite symptoms is very unpleasant. Have been feeling extremely lazy, literally have to force myself to get out from the bed. Pains and aches all over the body. My self-diagnosed sciatica and repetitive strain injury (sometimes it feels like carpal tunnel) and frozen shoulder seemed to worsen. Short attention span. Reduced concentration. All I want to do is sleep. Fatigue most of the time.

Shit, it sounds hyperthyroidism. Whatever then.



On the other hands, hugs to B and T. Congratulation. The part I play is very little; to know that I have contribute to your life means a lot me. I wish both of you a life time of happiness.

Sunday, February 13, 2005

On a lighter note, I discover a really good restaurant in Farringdon. Went there for ISC committee dinner. Serving lotsa seafood English food. 11 GBP for 3 course dinner before 7 pm. Sodap sungguh. Still reminiscing how good the Haddock which they cooked like grilled Unagi with its absolutely creamy mash potato, white sauce and beans (saliva drooling). Finished with chocolate cheese cake.

Happy valentines everyone.

The only bad thing this week is I feel nak kapak je British Embassy staff, a comment to which my husband burst into laughter.

Ahad event

Saw Laila and Kamal, baby Sakina, Laila mother plus Khalid today.

It is really good to see her. We have a great talk - motherhood, medicine, relationship and friendship. Sakina is absolutely gorgeous;and I think I am falling in love with her.

Elly, Laila sends her regards to you.

I missed good old friends.


Such a bundle of joy. I can only imagine how heartbreaking it must feel to leave her every morning to go to work. Sacrifice we working wife/mother do/will do.
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Me and baby Sakina. She's gorgeous!
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Friday, February 11, 2005

Surgery

Saw a purple ischaemic bowel today in theatre. Amazing, with all the mesenteric vein thrombosis and mesenteric vein hypertension. I hope he will make it through. He is still young and has so much life ahead of him. Feel really sorry.

Just like that - life is robbed away from you. Sometimes makes me wonder, what is the point of us living, when everything can be taken away from you in a blink of eyes.

Both patients surgery I clerked yesterday got cancelled to make room for this emergency ITU guy. Seriously complicated one - in fact, it requires 2 consultants surgeon to do the surgery.

The anaesthetist made my day today. He complimented my pre-admission clerking (of one of the patient yg suppose to go for surgery today). I don't even know who he is, and he knew it was me who did the clerking after reading my name tag. All I can see of him is his eyes.

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

Sth I feel like to jot down

Meet the Fockers is bloody hilarious! Absolutely entertaining, the whole cinema laughed so hard. I am sooo enjoying this movie, think I might buy its DVD when it comes out. Never thought Barbara Streisand is funny, but after this movie, I definitely am. In my own words, Meet the Fockers is like weekend when all hell break loose with the in laws..

Nelly's song "Over and Over" will always remind me of my trip to Gunwharf Quay, especially the Oasis store. The store play the same song again and again and again.

Sunday, February 06, 2005


My new pair of shoes bought from Dune factory outlet, Gunwharf Quay, Porthmouth Harbour.
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Just a short note on depression

A friend said to me," I find people with depression has a particular tendencies to be very intense in their emotion".

I am not entirely agree with that. There is some truth in it, nonetheless.

Depression is a hideous sickness. It can happened to anyone. You can have a completely happy upbringing, good friends, has a supportive boyfriend and still have depression. One of my consultant told me, it took him more than 9 years before he finally out from the tangled web. The only thing that keep him going day by day during the depressive time is his son. He wakes up everyday with an emptiness in his heart and didn't know why.

Please, don't generalised people with depression. Because you will not know what it's like until you experience it. Empathy, not sympathy.

There is certain period of my life where I felt really down with my life.. But over the years I have better my coping mechanisms.

And it helps if you stop caring with what people say. (sometimes, I wish I care a little bit more, but nahhh, why care if what they say is untrue. Anyway, everyone is entitle to voice their opinion, isn't it?)

Friday, February 04, 2005

Think I can be Miranda Hobbes (SATC)

I better jot down my thought before it is gone.

Watched SATC season 6 last night. I never really able to identify myself with any of the four main character of SATC, but the episode where Miranda wedded and later try to find a bigger place for her family gripped me to no end.

When she said (don't remember the exact line, but it went something like this), " I don't care about the wedding/marriage, I just want to be with him". And you know what, this is why I got married. Because I know of all the people in the world, he is the one that matters the most to me.. Even let say our marriage broke down (touch wood), I know I will never regret it, because it has worth everything. His proposal is not something you will call romantic; we were walking to the train station to send me to Zurich airport when suddenly he blurted out,"I think we should just do it". And I said,"I think so too". Nothing nauseatingly cheesy.

When Steve says,"You no longer have yourself to think for. Now you have me, Brady, cat and dog, so think of us when making your decision". The realisation "God, I am married" that hit Miranda(and me)is real. I also feared I don't have a maternal instinct.

The scene where Miranda looking down the window (of the house in Brooklyn) and seeing Steve played with his son and his dog in the garden - it took my breath away.

P/S: Samantha can be my alter ego if I am single. Never truly identified with Carrie (no,no,no. She dated socialites, I am not really) and Charlottee (don't think I can ever be as sweet as her. I probably hate her if we are in the high school).

Thursday, February 03, 2005

Start thinking.....

Looking at babies photos.....

And I start thinking, flexible training...uh,uh. Malas la pulak nak go through hassle find job yg allow flexible training, carik orang utk jobshare, and Associate Postgraduate Dean.

P/S: Those who doesn't know, flexible training is where doctors can work 3 days a week, instead of full time job. Its just takes you longer to finish your training, but you will get there at the end. Suits ppl who still want to work as doctors and concentrate on something else (eg: family,professional athletes etc).

Just a thought

Come home around 9:15 pm. On call tonite.

Saw a man with CVP doubled max limit of normal value and blood glucose undetectable by the BM stick (b'cos its just too low).What a night.

Glad my husband is not a doctor. I know I will go home to a completely normal world. As much as I love medicine, I know I am happier at home with kids and husband (and prolly our own small shop - that's enough for me) and I prefer my personal life to be completely separated from medical world.

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

Sluggish

I feel soooo sluggish today. Dunno why, malasnye nak do anything today. Skive karang :D (like I can, dream on Huda).

Yesterday highlight - Did ascites tap (first time ever), and it went very smoothly to my surprise. I am a needlephobic. I remember vividly it took me 3 atempts before my first success of blood taking. I have stomach churning, dizziness, almost passed out. I let my friend to take blood from me as a practice (to overcome my fear of needle) and she double punctured me (I ended up with a really big bruise, and she apologised to me for about a week).

Also, ward clerk asked me about my diet and how do I maintain to be a slim lady. Bizarre.

Also, why most of the married female hospital consultants I met (so far) tend to be vivaciously garang and perfectionista, hence make the living of others in the team hell?