Lotus - surviving life & remaining pure to urself

Saturday, September 30, 2006

shud stop worry so much

I think I need to chill. Work-wise.

I have a little too much on my plate doing this "weird" rotation (GUM/ pathology + Micro). Just can't concentrate. Should be reading pathology book, but all I want to do is watching movies and eat and eat, on the sofa with my husband. I have 4 projects going on. need to show my boss with the case report we plan to submit to a journal but cannot be bothered at all. Want to be a housewife, want to be a housewife. Malas. Malas.

Doesn't help that my on-call lately has been a shit one. My HO sungguh teruk.How come someone who work in a Gastro ward for TWO bloody months doesn't know what GAviscon is? And she is really really slow. Can't do another on-call with her. Two oncalls have already made me want to bang my head against the wall. Its been one of the worst oncalls for me; that include me deciding rhesus status in someone who is dying in front of my eyes with her family (thank God its been a good decision. Its horrible. I hope I don't have to do that again.), a massive GI bleed, a hepatorenal syndrome with no HDU bed. And me doing all the bloods. Mahu tak bad mood. Dahla satu hari tak makan; kena bukak puasa 2 jam lambat and makan toast je pasal tak sempat pegi kantin. Bengang betul. Consultant bad mood pulak tu (admit discharge admit discharge - management plan suma kasi aku yg decide); memang nasib HO kena jerit dengan dia.

Next weekend on call. Malam raya pun kena keja. Hampeh betul.

Can't help worrying about next year though.

Sunday, September 17, 2006

the problem with MAU oncalls

The problem with doing a week of night oncall is sometimes you ended up working 12 days with a seven days of 12 hours shift. Your system is completely exhausted and shattered. The so-called 12 hours shift sometimes doesn't leave much break time. If its full swing admissions which is what tend to happen, you will end up clerking endlessly to make plan, discharging people and moving people to wards. If you have sickies patients, being bleeped one after another, then to hell with break. Patients first. It makes you feel crappy when you realise you are not winning the situation, having to tell people, " It doesn't seemed we are winning, he/she slowly slipping away from us. Be prepared for the worst outcome". You usually able to shake off the feeling 5 minutes after that, and get on with other jobs. (sometimes it makes me wonder where has all my emotion gone? but then i realise i have an automated one for work). You try the best you can, innit?

Apologise for being in crappy tempestuous mood this weekend!

Sunday, September 03, 2006

post MAU oncall

I am dead tired, 12 hour shift of MAU, endless A&E referral and I can't refuse most of the admissions, arrived home nearly midnight. But I am smiling.

My legs are killing me. My back is hurting.And I am still smiling.

Am I crazy? Am I enjoying myself? I think I do.

Saturday, September 02, 2006

general ranting

Find myself increasingly bothered with issues regarding baby, work life balance etc..Sth to do with the boredom of doing microbiology and GUM? perhaps. Looking back at previous entries, 95% are about work.hmmm.

What if we can't have children? I would rather adopt than undergo interventional infertility treatment eg IVF. The stress on relationship, procedure etc..its too much, and time wasted on worrying. Same opinion with open surgery. Last option please. And please don't catheterise me when I am 80, demented and incontinence (am considering act of living will). Probably because I know too much.

Life is generally ok. Finding myself feeling lost, bored and unsettled doing current rotation. The best thing at the moment is driving back and forth from Manchester to Blackburn. A funny thing happened the other day - a patient walked into GUM clinic and said he saw me (as a patient) before at a GP practice. I said, " No, it wasn't me. Its my colleague M". For some unknown reason, people keep mistaking me for M, and M for me. Both of us really think we don't look alike at all. M is a British Hong Kong Chinese and I am a proper Malay.Why oh why? Postgrad people keep calling me M when they saw me in teaching session. To make atter worse, M and I are in the same FY2 track. Expect further confusion.

Malas nye nak oncall esok. Am I willing to do oncall and night shift when I am 40?