Worry worry worry

For the past few days, I have been feeling highly stressed, highly charged, full with anxiety.

Also, been sleeping like a baby. Sleep like there is no tomorrow.

I should stop being such a worrier, shouldn't I?

Also, been very pissed and big big worry - my very very important document from DVLA still has not arrived, and I have prompt them to investigate. At the same time, how unlucky could I be - my other important documents send to Malaysia lost in the post? Fucking hell. Sebelum ni tak pernah pun. Bloody hell.

Exam in 3 1/2 weeks.SHit.

Ethics in medicine

We were taught by an American ethicist at medical school. How much it has influenced me, I don't know.

Let's take an example - patient requesting abortion:

on religious ground - I oppose

as UK health professional - since I have a personal agenda on abortion, the next best practice is referring the patient to other health professional who has no personal issue in it. I will not coerce patient to say no (that is wrong by UK law and by General Medical Council). I will be honest - tell the patient I have a personal issue regarding this, I do not want to make the decision on your behalf, and you better speak with other doctors. In doing so, I have respected patient autonomy. I obliged to the law without compromising my position (I think). My duties of care here is:

(1)Protect life and health
(2)Respect patient autonomy
(3)Treat patient justly and fairly

Some might not agree with what I have in mind. Back home in Malaysia, abortion probably will be completely unacceptable, and doctors will just go straight saying NO. So, there is variations in which countries the doctors practice.Let's not touch how I answer exam questions.

Refusing treatment:

Its a bit complicated when relatives get in the way, coercing patient to undertake treatment (esp. when son/ daughter make decision about their elderly patients). If I have done my duty giving patient all necessary information, the consequence of not taking treatment, patient is mentally ok and competent in making decision, I will respect patient's wish. Not relatives' wish.

In all grey aspects, I will DOCUMENT (1000x)in notes. Be fair, and also protect myself in the eyes of the law.

Hospital should be run by doctors, not hospital managers who has no idea what they are talking about!

Just come back from MMC lecture. What a bore! Apart from Q & A with the consultants and proffessor session which is useful; I am so annoyed with this one person (he is the MMC lead - how come?, law background, not a doctor, annoyingly keep interrupting the doctors' answer, you talking politic shits, you don't know how doctors work is like, so please just shut up!)

I am a strong view that hospital should be run by doctors with patients input, not hospital managers/politicians/ppl with no medical experiences. Our working life is different, unless you have experience in it (try to shadow us).

Telinga cannot tahan, ma..!

Serius cannot tahan dengar ppl asyik complaint these days. That's not good, this is not good. Ayo, sometimes I think I might just snapped listening to another sentence of complaint.

Literally restrain myself from saying any nasty backfire. Keep a nice front, be the nice nice Huda. I don't like to bitch other people because I also hate people to bitch about me.

So I will just tarik nafas panjang2x, and sabar jelah.

How much we really care for each other?

On my way to a meeting today, I have to change tube at Liverpool Street Station. I was on my way to westbound train when I saw a Caucasian guy with a reconstructed face, obviously very scarred from previous burn injury and I am pretty sure he had skin grafts on his face as well, begging for money on the platform. I was in a rush, so I just went pass him. Then I realised there is another minute before the train arrived, so I think, well, might as well give him some change. When I came back to him to pass on the change, he said," Put it in my pocket". Then I realise he has no hand at all - I can feel my heart was breaking. I fully understood why he ended up begging - with face that barely resemble a normal human face and no hand - who will employ him?

As the train arrived, I scanned the crowd of many finance City workers on their way home. Some of them looked at him with bewilderment, some with disgust, some just ignored him.

I really feel sorry for him.

In Malaysia, disability literally means a life sentence. That should change. Society should change.

Just, care a little bit, will you?

Missing out?

Horrible feeling in my guts. Hate this state of mind.

Ever feel that you are in the ride, and yet you are still not catching up with everyone in the ride?

Midnite notes

Just finish do prescrbing skills book. So penat filling in all the drug charts, habis tulisan suma jadi cakar ayam. So many drugs and doses to look up!

Now 2 a.m in the morning, I am hungry. Cook nasik lemak tgh mlm buta ni. Nasib baik esok morning free.

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My husband said,"If this renal colic pain is comparable to childbirth, tak yah ada anak pun tak pe Yang. Hmm, second thought, ok lah, one child je pun takpe".

:D

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Sunrise/sunset movie starred Ethan Hawke & Julie Delphy is soooo best. Why? It means so much to me. That is how I see love, but rather than letting it go because of situation etc...I prefer grab the chance/ true love/ soul mate. Because life doesn't always promise a second chance. One thing I am very sure I don't want in life is to have regret. Let say my relationship with Nik (nauzubillah) broke down in the middle, I don't think I will regret it, ever. Feel so blessed to have met and married him. Even in hard times, always make me laugh.

Speaking of relationship that got away - I just knew an old flirt (time first year dulu) is now in his second marriage. Phew! Thank God I let that one passed me by. Anyway, the chemistry is awkward and superficial, I feel like a lucky escape.

Just another day

Today we have a departmental meeting in the hospital. A is one of the consultants that make up CoE team - this cheeky bugger is our revision teacher. Usually one of the docs will do a presentation after drug reps presentation. A is just back from holiday, mind you. When M, the big boss of CoE department is up to make his presentation, A cheekily said, "M, you should go out more often". Which make us group of medical students, and the docs, roar with laughter. Before that, he borrows my baby Kumar & Clark to read when the drugs reps talked.

A is so funny and yet is an excellent teacher. His passion for teaching medical student - is like Santa Claus gonna get laid.

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On my way home today, another commuting hell day. Someone under the train (or the so-called customer action, as they mildly put it), so they have to cancel all the train between Embankment and Earls Court.

One of the guys in my couch lost his patience when the driver announces he has to terminate the train at Whitechapel. The guy actually swear, so loud that everyone in the train can literally hear him saying - stupid wanker blazing drunk dickhead &^%$%^&*(^%^&*(.

Just think, the day this person commit suicide/ drunk and get killed, the whole London swear upon him (for causing commuting severe delay, peak hour lak tu). How ironic.

Siti concert, and a few things

Just come back from Siti Nurhaliza concert at Royal Albert Hall.
The verdict: I enjoy it.

The trip to the concert was unplanned. Suffice to say, my luck was up and it made me go to her concert. For someone who love and enjoy live music, I think she is marvellous (in term of her voices and entertaining guests in Malay), there are lotsa improvement she needs to make in term of communication skills(after all, isn't Malay is the most critical of their own people?). I really hope she will get better. I don't even care if she needs a cue card to speak English, but if she can build up better courage for English public speaking (broken pun takpe; i can feel her still takut2x ckp English), it will be a lot easier. Breaking into UK music scene is not easy if you are non-white and non-blakc(and with her lacking in English); even local British Asians find it difficult. FYI, Jay Sean (brits asian doing hip hop music) is an ex-student at my medical school.

Talk about speaking English - teringat my younger years. My spoken English was so bad - I did a lot of mispronouncion, and it did happen masa I participated in story telling competition. I was sure someone was laughing at me at that time, but I just went ahead telling the stories. Malu? I just threw that feeling away into the bin. Being too critical to urself will only get u down, isn't it? It took a few years for my oral English to really taken off.

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My husband dah membebel on the phone pasal tak study sgt this week. I have been going out almost everyday this week - Tsunami party, Liverpool Trip, Siti concert, Girl Slumber party... Memang kena start working hard. Monday dah start sekolah, aiyo....

Better work hard before get into any troubles. Pass final, pass final, pass final!

P/S: To love someone like a second skin is probably the best thing in life! Doesn't even feel like making an effort.