Rants...

Ah, what else? Didn't I tell you it will be an orgy of hell and destruction?

Just finished nights and by God, I can swear my job is to sort out half-assed job.I find it rather disconcerting that nurses find me as the fixer; Really, it is not bloody rocket sciences for someone who has completed a medical degree.

Electrolytes imbalance and arrhythmias, correct it and voila!

That ECG really is not VT or torsades. Look at it, I mean really look at it, and it is AF with LBBB, can't you see its QRS morphology?

You shouldn't really be throwing random dose of digoxin and then wonder why they have 4.5 seconds pause.

Doubling beta-blocker in someone who has resting heart rate at 60 is really really NOT a good idea. Its even ridiculous that we have this argument.

The nurse seemed really amazed when I picked up this "a case of a bit too much opiates" and reversed it with naloxone.Hmmm.

You are not going to fix that atrial fibrillation with adenosine, you know.

That are just some of the snapshots. Suffice to say, all of them survived intact, home soon and no harm done. Disconcerting, yes.

Now, where is my boots so I can throw it to the rota master who is currently enjoying a long new year holiday? Day on-call tomorrow.

Temper

I nearly lost it last night. F... idiots and just shits. I would rather get nurses to do their jobs.

The worst A & E ever...I even gave them the benefits of the doubt about not able to come out with anything conclusive at all, but omit several vital informations? Why is everyone is doing job half-assed here?

Annoyed, angry, tired and just soooo mad right now. And its not PMS.

Isolated in the middle of the Irish Sea

I hope this radio station doesn't think it is funny that we are now going to be isolated in this island (no flight/no boats/no ferry whatsof...ever)in the next 30 hours. And I have to spearhead the night shift this weekend.

And trust me, I will pray hard for the health of everyone on this island.

Please stop any granny-dumping this Christmas,okeh!Every Christmas,I had it in the last 4 years.I had the most ridiculous IVDU admission - "hisap dadah sampai get a seizure", then try to "mengedar dadah" and get arrested by police in the ward. Some people, eh?

social..social..

Gosh, right now I just feel so demoralized in this job.

I probably shouldn't be saying this but I just had enough of this "waiting for nursing home"/"social issue" etc...etc... I feel disillusioned and disheartened. I even feel wronged.

I can't even tell you how I feel when patient with every imaginable surgical and anaethetist risks ended up in medical ward...At least, give me something that I can fix.

Another hormonal rants

Sometimes you just want to relive the romance again...and fall in love over and over again.

We need to go for another honeymoon dear.

Zurich is where we fall in love.

And I need Paris to renew our vows again...(Damned you medical staffing.I am gonna take my leave regardless).


(Funny moments - should see J face when I sighed Paris. He can bugger off doing his mad things like driving from UK to Morave during winter time)

Damn you!

This f...... up medical staffing is really ruining my life. I have a feeling he will disallow my planned leave.

The fucked up rota is so messed up, this guy should be fired on the spot.I literally wished he is in hell. Everyone hates him anyway, from secretaries to the docs. EWTD my a.....!

All the agreed initial plans after the swap are burnt. B, can we re-swap?

We all are f........ used for services. Hello??? I thought this is a training job. The Deanery is so going to hear about this.

A better person?

One of my Chinese Malaysian colleague tells me,"You are different from your other Malay friends, don't you? You have a modern way of thinking and your work ethics are different". He was quite shocked when I told him about my secondary school, something I would rather people not know these days (save me from the grilling).

To be truthful, if I go back to work in Malaysia right now, I knew people may perceived me as being arrogant.

I was a different person back then when I was in high school. Zero self-esteem, always feel out of place. Somehow in between the transition between high school and working life, I changed. Some things stay the same - I am still as stubborn as hell and emotional. Things that has changed is I can stop caring what other people say (unless it is from someone I respected and opinions I valued), learn not to take anything to heart and believe in myself.

Decision

Sometimes I wonder what my life is like if I choose different path?

Is life really about making decision? Life or death, right or wrong, saint or sinner, hate or love, friend or enemy?

Peace.

Female

Suddenyly it hits me that I am the only female who occupy pretty senior position in our medical department. The only female ST. No female medical consultant. Wonder what they think.

Mind you, I never ever suffer from sexism in this profession. Although it did annoyed me a little bit when this registrar keep calling me - hello sweet/sweetheart/darling. He addressed all of us - our bunch female STs in the male world of interventional cardiology (it was one of the best time in my jobs, seriously. Like girls power or something).

I was slightly embarassed when the consultant saw a patient sticker stucked just below my chest (which I almost forgot btw) and said: uh,uh, confidentiality, dear. I hope that is all he sees.

Just start to feel awkward when J keep buying me hot drinks when we have our supervisor/etc.. meeting. I hope it is the guilt talking - he made me do presentation when I am on night and us doing audit for Mortality & Morbidity meeting.

Oh, I like shoes and dressing up when I feel really shitty, tired and down. I am a girl's girl.

D makes a rather suspicious comment the other day. He was speculating with the nurse why I changed my skirt (oh, hospital gossips), and I told him this alcoholic patient urine bottle accidentally fall on my skirt when I try to lift his bedside rail - I had this health care assistant as my witness. Pretty disgusting I tell you.

Of course I didn't tell D when he first arrived, everyone thought he is gay.

Rewarding

Reading through previous post, man, I am such a miserable cow.

Regardless,I just need to get through this set of nights (I am so sick of on-calls). God knows why I am still here & doing this job. Like J said,"It is rewarding". (and yet couldn't stop swearing seeing piles and piles of notes coming back mounting his desk. He just cleared the previous lot on Sunday).

I don't know.

It did make me smile though, when the mother of this disabled man who I used to look after, coming & start hugging & kissing my cheek when I told her I no longer their doctor and this very pleasant pathology secretary thanking me for looking after her when she was admitted (I have no clue who she is in the first 5 minutes, and she said you don't remember me, do you?).

This work & relationship

It got me thinking, how many actually survived?

You must be getting bored with all these conundrum and orgy of self-pity and whinings. I told you, I am the emotionally-wreck one. (Our bunch of STs: K is the moaner and highly stressed one,D always the grumpy disgruntled one, S is med-staffing hater, M is new, still shell-shocked with how bad A&E is & M2 is the survivor - you know when things are so bad you just end up in crying/laughing mode).

I am not gonna kid myself; its damned hard. I already feel burnt out,feel rotten inside out, so weary with the travelling to & fro island and mainland and all I am looking forward to is a holiday. As J put it, this feeling can only possibly get worse and worse as you climbed up the ladder, your responsibility getting bigger and bigger and somehow someway we all survived. God saves your soul.Somewhere in between, there is a sweet rewarding feeling when your patients survive their ordeal.

I used to think when I was a HO, all I need to worry is in-patients work. Now, I inpatients/outpatients/GP referral/mucked-up clinical cases/teaching med students & HO/M&M meeting/guidelines & audits/cardiorespiratory results etc... all piling up. The secretary still hasn't type out at least 50 of my clinics/discharge letters/referral and I am tired of hassling her.

Like D, who is so committed to his haematology. He really stayed, make the extra miles to care for his patients throughout their leukaemia ordeal, from diagnosis to complications to their death. All the while, he rarely managed to see his wife who worked the crazy hours of OBG.

Now, let me just cry in the corner thinking about our upcoming 5th wedding anniversary. There is no flight/boat on Christmas day and me working on boxing day.

Ok, I am stroppy.

I think its literally official I am now well-known for my stroppiness. J, just couldn't stop teasing me about it during our (J,F & me) audit meeting today.

Ok, fine. I will be nicer to my HO. Do you have any idea how tiring having to check every single prescriptions, TTO, DC & every single of her work on daily basis? Not just her,........(I wish I could write it down, but it is so clinically scary that it might have legal implications). I never have to put my foot down for a consultant, but this time, in the next 4 months, I have to.

Yes, I am assertive as hell.

One more day...

Phew, done the on-call today. Busy, but smooth & easy. I don't need anything complicated and today is just one of those days.

I thought I was the only one who has "trust" issue. Trust is something that you need to work for it to be gained and when D showed up to sort this acute leukaemia in blast phase on his off-day and only trust me to review patient results; I am really grateful. I don't trust my HO at all. I am sorry if I give her a hard time but she needs to learn to have some insight at least. No insight & no sense of danger, pretty much a disaster.

I thought I was the only one who is obsessed with their patients. I do have stack of notes of pretty complicated patients still with the secretary. J, my previous consultant really trusted me with those and I am so thankful for that. He let me deal with some solicitor business and making all tertiary referrals. Huge boost to my confidence, really. I think he knew he can rely on me when I picked the mitral valve that need urgent replacement from clinic, the iatrogenic haemolytic anaemia. I really have to fight for my latter diagnosis (that is how sure I am & I have seen one case before) and he refused to acknowledge that at the beginning, but suffice to say, he is someone who can take "I told you so" from his junior. Now he listen to my opinion and I am ever so grateful to be appreciated.

Feels like walking away

This is madness.

I did nights and then continue doing my cardiology clinic in the afternoon. My eyeballs feel like burning now.

Then oncalls again this Thursday, then my week of nights begin.

EWTD? This is a joke, right?

To top it all:
+ Joint presentation with consultant
+ E-portfolio
+ Audit
+ Case report
+ Discharge summaries & referral letters
+ Study
+ CV & prepare for interviews

My life? Down in the dump. In dire need of holidays.

Stop moaning & whining. Get on with it. As my superiors put it, it can only get worse. Hoho.