Happy Eid Mubarak!

Selamat Hari Raya people! Maaf zahir dan batin.

I am going to re-energise myself and enjoy this raya with some close decent friends.

Survived the on-calls despite some really dodgy doctors around and my consultant has a big row with A&E staffs - bad, really bad quality referrals. At least he now understands what I have to live through day in day out!

Its going to be one hell of stressful year (love my job; its the fact when you are the one who have to fix things up after these dodgy people around). To D & K, we will survive this together, at least we know what not to do!

Another day....dekat pulau sangkut ni

Have to say I didn't enjoy ramadhan as much this year. I should, shouldn't I? Should stop concentrating on other things; I have neglected a lot of ibadah.

Was busy with exam, doing tons & tons of dictation letters (spent at least a dedicated 10 hours for this & clean the whole shelves) & sorting then oncalls/hotblock weeks, then I fall ill towards the oncalls,sorting leave, chasing consultants for e-portfolios (need to get this sorted ASAP as gonna be on leave then night shifts week),need to get my head together for this audit. Uitss mcm banyak la pulak.

Hubby packed me his special roti john utk bekal bukak puasa atas ferry. So yummy. Bila nak buat kita punya Japanese feast ye honey - thinking about fresh sashimi (sodapnyeeerr, kecur air liur), California rolls. Lama tak makan proper & good Japanese food..

Nothing interesting going on. Had education meeting with Board of Education as I am the ST2 rep, finished around 6.15. They had a cheek to ask us as trainee what we think about the post here; of course D & I have kindly hold our tongue and try to rephrase things as kindly & as diplomatic as possible. Then had a good bitching & educating each other session with D & K at K's flat. We are going to survive this.Another 10 months to go.

P/s: The GI bleeder with INR 12.3, systolic BP 68 survive his ordeal and going home soon. Yeay!Also, why so many newly diagnosed malignancy came during my take? I had this lady who I literally knew when I admit her she will have a confirmed diagnosis of bladder cancer later on (await histology) and this middle aged man (typical lymphoma 7 yrs post renal transplant) who I knew his prognosis for lymphoma not looking good, already developed B symptoms; again await histology.

Ntah apa-apa...

Eversince I found this special mixture to make a crispy batter, been using for "batter"ing most things. Namely of course pisang goreng la, today I use this concoction (plain flour, corn flour, pinch of turmeric powder, salt and sugar)to make crispy bayam goreng. Jadik la tu, like tempura.Hohoho. Now am sick of it.

Can't taste anything with my blocked nose.

My consultant has been making funny remarks about me fasting - not in a insulting way, more in a daft sort of way. I think he think its so weird this "Chinese-looking" girl with Arabic name, who speak only English & Malay plus very broken Dutch, read Arabic, religiously practice her fasting. He kept saying we need to stuff me up. I am sure I must have lost some weight, I don't eat well when I am busy; usually hubby look after me from that side and being away from him does not bode well with me.

Tomorrow another ferry ride; long sigh. I just wish D stopped moaning and whining all the time about everything at that pulau. He is a man for Godsake. Am tired of people who keep whining; I just want to get on with what I need to do.

Found the parody to Michael Jackson Beat it - Al Yankovic Eat it. Hilarious! I have no idea how to put up the youtube video, but the lyric is like this:

Eat It lyrics

How come you're always such a fussy young man
Don't want no Captain Crunch, don't want no Raison Bran
Well, don't you know that other kids are starving in Japan
So eat it, just eat it

Don't want to argue, I don't want to debate
Don't want to hear about what kind of food you hate
You won't get no dessert 'till you clean off your plate
So eat it

Don't you tell me you're full
Just eat it, eat it, eat it, eat it
Get yourself an egg and beat it
Have some more chicken, have some more pie
It doesn't matter if it's boiled or fried
Just eat it, eat it, just eat it, eat it
Just eat it, eat it, just eat it, eat it, ooh

Your table manners are some cryin' shame
You're playin' with your food, this ain't some kind of game
Now, if you starve to death, you'll just have yourself to blame
So eat it, just eat it

You better listen, better do what you're told
You haven't even touched your tuna casserole
You better chow down or it's gonna get cold
So eat it

I don't care if you're full
Just eat it, eat it, eat it, eat it
Open up your mouth and feed it
Have some more yogurt, have some more spam
It doesn't matter it it's fresh or canned
Just eat it, eat it, eat it, eat it
Don't you make me repeat it
Have a banana, have a whole bunch
It doesn't matter what you had for lunch
Just eat it, eat it, eat it, eat it
Eat it, eat it, eat it, eat it

Eat it, eat it, eat it, eat it
If it's gettin' cold, reheat it
Have a big dinner, have a light snack
If you don't like it, you can't send it back
Just eat it, eat it, eat it, eat it
Get yourself an egg and beat it (oh lord)
Have some more chicken, have some more pie
It doesn't matter if it's boiled or fried
Just eat it, eat it, eat it, eat it
Don't you make me repeat it (oh no)
Have a banana, have a whole bunch
It doesn't matter what you had for lunch
Just eat it, eat it, eat it, eat it

On-calls

Dead tired.

I was shattered yesterday; my H.O called in sick and it couldn't come at any worst day. So many admissions,so many referrals from A&E, GP, District nurses and people admitted from clinic. Left right and centre I tell you. Everyone has leg swelling (we don't have DVT clinic here), everyone feel dizzy & lightheaded; not very exciting.Most of my job is sorting out who is really ill and who is not.

The one who is really ill though is the one who doesn't make any noise at all. I have a good time fluid resuscitating and reversing his anticoagulant on this dialysis patient who keep throwing up pure blood with INR 12.3 and didn't tell anyone he has haematemesis at home until he was up dialysing pumped up with heparin. Oh boy, never order so many FFP and bloods. So determined he is not going to arrest whilst he is under my care. Or that woman who live with her frank haematuria, and anaemic enough to cause her to have another heart attack & deemed urgent transfusion.

One more day to go.4 days of successive 12 hours ++ shift is a bad bad idea.

Rants

Bengang betul, macam mana la pulak boleh terlepas ferry bongok ni. Stupid road closure with no bloody warning causing hellish traffic jam. Anyway, calmer now. Hubby had a hell time calming me down. I have to arrange a series of phone calls to cover my tomorrow shift until I am back & rebook ticket. Hassles but hopefully sorted. Not our faults anyway.

It so best to chat with mak earlier. Like me, we don't keep up with politics. Having said that, I am surprised to learn you cannot read utusan malaysia online - blocked in all Selangor Govt. office, also not encouraged to read Utusan Malaysia in office. I thought under Parti Keadilan Rakyat you have more freedom of speech??? Well, no comment there. My reaction - still surprise. People I don't trust - still the same, politicians, lawyer & solicitors, arrogant professionals, most CEOs, medias.

I do have a little more trust in doctors though. They do tell white lies like oohh, we are investigating that "shadows" in your lung, that is why you are doing biopsy, hopefully its nothing. Of course you are not gonna say (eventhough the Chest x-ray report lesion highly suspicious of malignancy/metastases) - we think its cancer, you smoke all your life, partially your fault, you have lost weight, blood works not looking good but we need to confirm with histology and if possible to plan treatment.

I am blogging more often now.More blunt. Do I care what people think behind my back? Not really. Only take opinion and advice from someone who deserve to judge me. If you don't know me, you have no right to judge/criticise me.I am responsible for my action and you take responsible for your action.

Forgiveness?

I have been thinking about this subject lately.

I had the misfortune to have met some of the most foul-mouth persons in the last good few months, especially when they belittled disability and spread untrue version of story.

It really saddened me, and yet it fills me with lots of anger, and truthfully from the bottom of my heart, I don't think I could ever forgive them. My husband is the most selfless person I ever knew and you DON'T ever say one bad thing about him.

I am not that morally low to mengumpat or to revenge; I will let time to do the justice. After all, I have all the hard evidences.

Btw, I have stop reading everything about Malaysian politics - it depressed me and reminded me of my earlier years of education. Yes, I have been there. I was taught orang tak pakai tudung and all non-muslims are all bad and laknat'ed. I have also discovered plenty of so-called "alims" are only on the outside, but have heart as dark as night.

Colleagues

Today is nice.

Oh, I soo missed all my colleagues from my previous job. Bunch of girls and only one guy plus the surgical colleagues; all of us get along very well with each other.

Today, post deanery teaching, got a chance to chat and have tea with at L's house. Did missed M as she left early, but managed to chat over the phone.

Time like this when life is crappy and work seemed like an endless chore; at least its good to know you are not the only one.

In 20 years time...

Just need to jot down my thoughts after watching this inspiring? programme by BBC - Doctors in the making. They basically follow up 4-5 doctors journey from the day the passed final year exams in 1987, to housemans (working 120 hours per week) to where they are in 2007..

There is one lecturer in the programme telling all the students that this career is nothing like your expectation and it will change and consume your life forever. How true...it change me from the person I was to who I am today; and God knows who and what I will be like in the next 5 - 10 years.

Brought back all the memories of being housemans to me - the time when you are so down & depressed, endless works and how it ruined your life etc..All of them who are featured in the programme talked about leaving medicine during houseman year.... wishing they work as a secretary or dustman and finding own ways to cope. One of them end up leaving medicine for good after 10 years. There is this Dr J, who has such a multitude directions in his career. He failed his professional exams and moving into managerial position in hyperbaric medicine, doing MBA before finally found his peace working as A&E middle grade and he is happy both professionally and personal life.

Truthfully, I find myself refuse (or just cannot) imagine what I will be in 20 years time.Unlike most people, I never took the ambition to be a doctor seriously (and never even imagine myself studying abroad! ). I just think I am lucky and despite its up & down and emotional roller coster it took me with it, I am fortunate enough to do what I do now. (and please let me passed the exam).

In 20 years time,I wish I will continue to be happy & content with myself in whatever position or circumstances I find myself in.

Let this anger sizzles.....

I was good today, until the e-mail about deposit from my previous landlord (mind you, 5 months after I left the flat) sets my anger rolling. Telling me they use all my deposits to repaint and clean the flat (and 35 GBP for an iron they lost?? I never even touch the iron or ironing board because it is in such poor state).I was really angry, boiling literally.

Totally unfair. The flat was already in a state, the wall was dirty, the chairs totally unstable to sit on, the carpets was stained and ada iron mark on it already, there is a plug socket already half way hanging out from the wall. I thought I was protecting myself already by taking the photos of the flat at its initial state, so they wouldn't blame me or anything. I was bothered about the chairs, letters and phone calls did not resolved the matter and we ended up buying our own chairs. I was fed up with their customer services, so I just shut up and get on. They are part of the reason we bought our own house, I was fed up renting in private sectors.

Now they refuse to budge and said I left the flat in such a state. Hubby was away at that time and he already moved our stuffs before he left. So tinggal benda2x sket to kemas etc.. I cleaned the flat after I came back from work. On the last day for me to return the key, I was rushing off from morning clinic and the agent person who suppose to meet me during final check up left. I end up leaving the keys at their office instead.

I was so angry I rang their office and one of their agent keep refusing to talk to me and only reply to my e-mail. How could you explain 500 GBP just go up in smoke for repainting and cleaning and this and that charges?

I am in much clearer mind now; I am going get advice from council or housing association.

By the way, anyone of you looking for flat to rent in Liverpool be sure to avoid this scamming letting agent - Cuddly Bear it called. Apparently they do have quite a reputation here, only found out after I signed the lease with them.

la..di..da..

Am home, and felt more at peace.

Studying, shopping, fasting, "sahur"ing, eating, cuddling.

Except that twat who offer no help whatsover when I want to change the battery for car key fob. Said they don't do it (and their business is ??services?) and banyak giler lithium battery bertaburan in their shop. The bastard.

Should stop swearing so much during this fasting month.

My patience running low since I start work at "that" place.

Hmm....where is the car manual?

Whilst waiting....

I don't like myself when I am in crappy mood. Poor hubby has been trying hard to tolerate with my crankiness; thank God I am going home 2moro. Need my respite to get my sanity back.

Seriously don't mess with me when I am in cranky mood.. Today I terpaksa present a case in our radiography meeting; I don't agree with his decision about doing the imaging, pas tu kena present in his absent about it - geram betul la, but there you go. Its like surgeon requesting CTPA in someone who has hospital acquired pneumonia & going panic in someone becoming confused due to hypoxia and everyone who seemed to be doing D-dimer for every single cases and not in clinical context; soooooooooo damned annoyed, pastu menyusahkan orang nak interpret the test. Maraahnyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

Dave & K & I sometimes just have to have our lunch together (time tak puasa la kan) so we can vent our frustration among us in order to keep our sanity and medical knowledge.

Garangnya pulak aku (have to for my survival, no regret here).

Still cannot get over the fact none of the house officer can do blood gases at all. Aiyo, takkan tak buat ABG when you r in medical school; pas tu taknak try lak tu. Geram, geram.

Am tyring to see if I can arrange another study leave for me to do presentation in my previous hospital which in turn; hopefully will contribute to my planned (hohoho) ST3 post.Susah sgt, I go and do acute medicine jer.